What is FRAC’ing? (And why we all do it without realising)
Let’s talk about the subtle art of not helping
Have you ever offered what you thought was the perfect advice, only to see it go unheeded? Or rushed to fix someone's problem, then wondered why they seemed more frustrated afterwards?
These moments of disconnection happen to all of us - especially when we’re trying our hardest to be supportive.
What is FRAC’ing?
OK, I’ll ‘fess up. FRAC’ing didn’t come from a textbook: it came from lived experience.
It began as a tongue-in-cheek term I shared with someone close to me. We were talking about how we try to help, and often end up doing a bit too much. The acronym: Fixing, Rescuing, Advice-giving and Caretaking, was our way of naming those familiar habits.
What began as a joke quickly stuck. As I brought it into my coaching work and group spaces, I noticed how easily people connected with it. The language was simple, the behaviours were familiar and the impact of naming them out loud shifted something big.
“By taking it away and fixing it for them, we're taking away our discomfort and we're robbing them the experience of the emotion, the opportunity to be like, it's okay to be disappointed.
Jo
We all FRAC. And when we understand what drives it, we get a chance to do something different - for others and for ourselves.
In many ways, FRAC’ing acts like a present-moment awareness tool, much like the gentle experiments used in Gestalt therapy to bring hidden patterns to light.
Why it matters
FRAC’ing behaviours usually come from a place of genuine care. We see someone in pain or confusion, and we want to ease it, fast.
But these patterns can unintentionally:
Undermine the other person’s confidence
Interrupt growth that comes from sitting with discomfort
Create a dynamic of dependence, rather than support
Send a subtle message: “I don’t trust you to handle this on your own.”
When we become aware of these habits, we start to notice where true presence, simply being with someone without trying to change their experience, can be more powerful than any advice or action.
Why we default to FRAC’ing
Most of us don’t learn these behaviours from a book. We absorb them through experience.
Maybe you grew up in a home where emotions weren’t talked about, so helping became your way of connecting. Or maybe you were the one who always held things together for others. Over time, jumping in to fix, soothe, or take charge starts to feel like second nature.
FRAC’ing often shows up when we feel uncomfortable with someone else’s pain. It can be a way to manage our own anxiety, avoid conflict, or feel in control. It can also come from people-pleasing or fear of seeming unhelpful or irrelevant.
None of this makes you wrong. It makes you human. The moment you notice these patterns is the moment you create space for something more conscious.
The four FRAC’ing behaviours
These four behaviours are the building blocks of FRAC’ing. Each one is common, often unconscious and rooted in care.
But they can get in the way of genuine connection if we’re not aware of them.
Fixing: Jumping to solutions
Fixing is when we move straight into problem-solving, often before the other person has finished speaking. It can come from wanting to ease someone’s discomfort quickly, or from feeling uncomfortable ourselves, when things feel messy.
Example:
A friend says they’re overwhelmed at work. You jump in with, “You should take a few days off,” before they’ve even finished sharing. The intention is good, but it might bypass their need to feel heard.
→ Learn why solving too soon can get in the way of support (coming soon)
Rescuing: Doing it for them
Rescuing is stepping in and taking over—trying to remove someone’s struggle altogether. It often looks like care on the surface, but can leave the other person feeling disempowered or bypassed.
Example:
Your partner says they’re too tired to cook dinner tonight. Before asking what they need, you order food for them. They didn’t ask for that—what they may have wanted was space, collaboration, or simply to be acknowledged.
→ Read how rescuing can quietly erode connection (coming soon)
Advice-giving: Offering solutions uninvited
Advice-giving is one of the most socially acceptable forms of FRAC’ing. We’re often encouraged to be helpful and resourceful—but unasked advice can come across as assuming the other person doesn’t know what they’re doing.
Example:
A colleague mentions they didn’t sleep well. You respond, “You should try magnesium.” It sounds helpful—but it shifts focus from empathy to instruction, which can leave the other person feeling unseen.
→ See why unasked-for advice might do more harm than good (coming soon)
Caretaking: Managing emotions that aren’t yours
Caretaking is the habit of absorbing someone else’s emotional experience and feeling responsible for their wellbeing. It often shows up as over-functioning, people-pleasing, or avoiding conflict to “keep the peace.”
Example:
You’re frustrated about something, but hold back from sharing because your friend had a hard day. You’re protecting their emotions—but at the cost of your own.
→ Explore how caretaking leads to emotional overload (coming soon)
We all do these things. They show up in relationships, work and parenting. Even in therapy and coaching.
🎧 Want to go deeper? Listen to the conversation that started it all…
If this is resonating, you might enjoy the FRAC’ing podcast episode, where Jo and I explored this framework through our lived experience. It’s a candid conversation about why we do it, how it sneaks in and what it means to support someone without stepping in to save them.
“Sometimes the most loving thing isn’t fixing — it’s being with someone in their mess without needing to clean it up.”
Signs you might be FRAC’ing (and what to do about it)
These behaviours can be subtle. Often they come from love, concern or simply habit.
If you’ve ever caught yourself doing any of the following, you’re not alone. Awareness is the first step.
You might be FRAC’ing if you:
Jump in to “make it better” when someone’s upset
Say “I’ll do it” before checking if help is wanted
Offer advice without being asked
Feel drained after helping, but can’t explain why
Say yes when you want to say no
Feel responsible for someone else’s emotions
Even noticing one or two of these is a powerful place to start. From there, try shifting your language. Phrases like “Would it help if I just listened?” or “Do you want ideas, or just space to talk?” give the other person room to share what they truly need.
These small shifts open the door to deeper, more honest connection.
How FRAC’ing aligns with Gestalt
Although FRAC’ing is “homegrown”, if you’ve worked with a therapist before, you might recognise some of this from Gestalt approaches, especially in how it encourages awareness and presence in the moment.
Gestalt’s core belief is that "awareness in itself is healing" and its techniques are designed to heighten awareness of thoughts, feelings and patterns as they arise.
In this way, identifying your FRAC’ing behaviours becomes a kind of micro-experiment, an invitation to notice, without judgment, how you show up in relationships and what drives that instinct to fix, rescue, advise or caretake.
A different way to show up
Bringing awareness to these patterns isn’t about guilt - it’s about choice.
When we notice the impulse to fix or rescue, we give ourselves the option to pause instead. We make space for the other person’s experience. We trust that they can navigate it. And that we can be present without needing to solve it.
Support doesn’t always mean doing. Sometimes it just means being.
A question to carry with you
As you move through your day, try holding this question gently:
“When do I offer help that hasn’t been requested?”
Let it guide you toward deeper presence, more meaningful connections and support that actually supports.
What did you notice came up for you? Which behaviour did you notice most in yourself? Let us know in the comments below…
