Let’s talk about which one is really driving you

The first time I asked a client this question… “Are you acting from fear or love?” she blinked like I’d just asked her to solve a riddle while holding her breath.

Then she laughed nervously and said, “I don’t even know what that means.”

Which was kind of the point.

Because that question cuts through the noise. It pauses the scroll. It pokes the tender spot many of us avoid - not because we don’t care, but because we don’t know how to answer.

In my work and my own life, I’ve come to see something really clearly:

“We get stuck when we live from fear and we move again when we return to love.”

That stuckness might not look dramatic. It might look like dragging your feet through daily tasks. Losing steam on something you once cared about. Overthinking everything until the spark disappears.

It’s not that you’re lazy. Or broken. Or unmotivated.

It’s that fear - fear of getting it wrong, fear of what people will think, fear of not being enough - has quietly taken the wheel.

And love? Love got quiet in the backseat.

The Stuck Loop: What it really feels like

Stuck doesn’t mean still — it means held back

Let’s talk about what being stuck actually looks like - because it’s rarely just “I don’t know what to do.”

It’s often more like:

I kind of know what I want, but I’m not doing anything about it.
I keep making the same choice and wondering why I still feel off.
I start things but don’t finish. Or I plan forever and never begin.

This is the stuck loop and underneath it, almost always, is fear.

“Being stuck means you avoid the risk, the failure, the exposure, the rejection... Our little cage that we built for ourselves is a safe thing.”

That cage might be invisible. But it still shapes your life.

So the question isn’t “are you stuck?”, it’s “what’s keeping you there?”

The 5 C’s: A simple way to spot fear or love

Here’s a quick way to spot where your decisions are coming from. I call them the 5 C’s - five common patterns that show up in both fear-driven and love-led behaviour.

These pairs are a quick gut-check to see whether fear or love is driving the show - in relationships, work, even the way you talk to yourself.

Fear-Based

Control

Criticism

Catastrophising

Constriction

Chaos

Love-Based

Courage

Curiosity

Compassion

Connection

Calm

Let’s unpack what those may signify for a second:

Control feels like tightening your grip. Courage feels like loosening it, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Criticism wants to shut things down. Curiosity asks, “What’s going on here?”
Catastrophising scares. Compassion understands.
Constriction plays small. Connection makes room for all of you.
Chaos scrambles. Calm settles.

Take a look. Be honest with yourself.

Are you saying yes out of connection? Or because you’re afraid of disappointing someone?
Are you holding back out of control? Or stepping forward with courage, even if your voice shakes?

You don’t need to fix anything. Just notice what column you’ve been sitting in.

Try this: A 24-hour check-in

Here’s a practical way to build that awareness:

Look back over the last 24 hours.

Where did your choices come from fear?
Where did they come from love?

No scoring system. No gold stars. Just reflection.

“Maybe one of the benefits of being stuck is... giving yourself time to marinate in what the fuck is happening right now.”

So if you’re not rushing into action yet, that’s okay. Maybe you’re marinating. Maybe your system’s just asking for space.

But if you’re feeling stuck and wondering why - this check-in can shine a light.

Why fear feels safer (and why we stay there)

Fear doesn’t always look like panic. Sometimes it wears a nice cosy hoodie or smiles politely or makes really logical-sounding excuses.

Fear keeps us small. But it also wants to keep us safe.

And it works - in its own sneaky way.

Fear gives us safety. If we don’t try, we can’t fail.
Fear gives us familiarity. Even if it’s uncomfortable, at least we know what to expect.
Fear helps us preserve identity. If we stay how we’ve always been, no one asks us to be more.

But here’s the thing: all of those benefits also keep us stuck.

This is often where hiding shows up too. Not as silence, but as polished masks and quiet self-withholding. And if that resonates, you might appreciate this deeper look at hiding vs being seen, which explores how we protect ourselves while quietly longing to be known.

“There can be a kindness to this stuckness... But if we don’t have the awareness around that, then it turns into an issue.”

This is holistic coaching in a nutshell

So what helps us move again?

This fear vs love frame isn’t about judgement. It’s about awareness.

And in my coaching and group work, it’s the doorway to everything.

“Awareness, acceptance, support, and choice for change - that’s the whole core of this unstuck process.”

You start by noticing (awareness).
You stop fighting what’s real (acceptance).
You build what you need - inside and out (support).
Then you make a different choice (choice for change).

That’s it. That’s the work.

And yes, it can feel messy. Slow. Non-linear.

But it is movement. And movement is how we come back to love.

When you choose love, things open

Love doesn’t make it easy: it makes it real

Here’s what I’ve seen, again and again:

Choosing love doesn’t mean everything’s easy.
It just means you’re choosing based on who you really are - not who fear says you need to be.

Sometimes that looks like taking a break. Sometimes it looks like taking a leap.

“When we get to those crossroads, we are more equipped to not fall into the default and to choose a different path... That’s what I’m talking about with getting unstuck.”

Every time you act from love - from calm, compassion, connection - you build evidence that you can.

And that’s how you get unstuck.

The Wrap-Up: You’re Not Behind, You’re Just Here

If you’re feeling foggy, flat, off-track - it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

It means you’re human.
It means something in you wants to shift.
And that part of you deserves your attention, not your shame.

“Even helping other people with a frame around getting unstuck… it’s still something that’s a work in progress for me. That just makes me fucking human.”

So be gentle with yourself.
Ask the question.
And when you’re ready - choose again.

If you’d like to learn more about getting Unstuck, check out this podcast or stay tuned for my audio series coming soon. But if now feels like the time to really take some action - let’s chat.

Are you acting from fear or love? A simple way to check in with yourself